The year: 2018. The place: Paris, France. A middle-aged woman dressed in black always sat on the same curb asking tourists for coins.

She pointed at my baby’s head as we walked by. “Il faut qu’elle porteun bonnet!”

“Pardon?” I asked.

“Vous devez couvre sa tête.” Translation: “She needs a hat! You should cover her head.”

I clutched my pearls, not because she had spoken to me, as she remained a familiar neighborhood figure; I stood shocked and confused because she (and everyone else) seemed to think it her place to tell me how to take care of my baby. Didn’t she know that in this modern era, we moms can make our own choices? Home birth or hospital birth, Lunchables or grass-fed beef only, no one has the right to criticize me — my family, my choices, right? I guess no one told Madame.

The most metropolitan urban setting, and yet, France possesses such strong roots to community and traditions that no one can exhume them. The proof? All French children start school on the same day: September 1st. Why? Tradition. Everyone in France takes either the month of July or August off for vacation, and everyone drives to the South on the same day, causing notorious gridlock traffic every year. Why? Tradition. The superior baguette, made with yeast that has lasted hundreds of years, that everyone lines up together to buy at the bakeries right before dinner? Tradition. The French perform all these little rituals together as a community, a way of life. No matter how modern society evolves, France remains at its core, a communal culture. As such, the French actually believe it is part of their role to correct you, to tell you which seats you may use on the bus, to say “bon soir” (good evening) with a raised eyebrow if you accidentally say “bonjour” (good day) after 4:00 PM (no shyness about it). I used to get offended at these perceived criticisms, until I realized that it means I have become part of the community. My neighbors and elderly felt indebted to help raise my children correctly, so that they might one day call them “enfants bien élevés” (well-raised children).

In communal societies, the women gather and talk. They spend time together, perhaps washing clothes and cooking meals together, raising their children together, giving one another moral and actual support every day, consistently. In France, the parents often meet at a café in or near a park and have a drink or a coffee on the terrace together while the children play – a consistent, regular practice, almost a ritual. After the pandemic and returning to America, I find myself missing many of those comforting community rhythms. It’s all too easy to stay in my own home, drive in my own car (not on a public bus or metro), and re-enter through the garage, back to my solitary safe haven. I hardly ever need to set a foot outside, let alone interact with a neighbor or a stranger. I find it all too easy to mobile order my sushi and toilet paper to go, barely seeing or talking to another soul, except to show a code at pick-up.

While I do enjoy these little conveniences, I find myself (like so many people today) isolated and prone to depression, even prone to social anxiety when I do pop my head out of my hole, forced to engage with others. Have we forgotten how to act in public, how to interact with someone face-to-face, and God forbid share our feelings with our friends? Why do we protect ourselves from authentic community, preferring a social-media-pristine mask for others and pretending not to have struggles? Community requires vulnerability, and we must feel safe with one another to disagree or have open discussions. Madeleine L’Engle wrote “I love, therefore I am vulnerable” and “to grow up is to accept vulnerability.” Perhaps the problem plaguing us today is a lack of love, and fear of the pain that inevitably follows from loving others. But loving others makes us human and only enriches the human experience.

After the physical and social separation caused by COVID, can we rejoin one another at the parks and playgrounds, and live in true, genuine, messy community? Let us stop hiding and try openness and respect with one another, learning how to act and speak (or not speak) whether you claim team Papa John’s or team Domino’s. And I will try to stay unoffended when the elderly neighbor, the crossing guard, or the store clerk all tell me to put a hat on my baby (as she snatches it off her little bald head). I may even feel cared for and have a sense of belonging in the community.

Practical ways to build community

1. Skip the drive-thru and mobile pick up: It only takes a few more minutes to order your coffee inside. You may need to give yourself more time for grocery shopping, but when you go to make your coffee or lunch order, be personable. Don’t just enter with a “get in and get out” mindset; you might make a new friend with someone else waiting in line or have a small conversation with the worker that makes their day and yours a little bit brighter.

2. Watching your kid in sports or at the playground? Look around for another parent to connect with instead of catching up on your phone, emails or socials. Don’t bring a book, instead try to engage with someone new!

3. Search for community events in your area like farmers’ markets, library events, or weekly game nights at a game store – whatever your hobbies or areas of interest, find a group, whether book club or drum circle!

Looking for community and deeper connection? Check out these resources:

Books:

• “The Gospel Comes with a House Key: Practicing Radically Ordinary Hospitality in Our Post-Christian World” by Rosaria Butterfield: In a world where we have forgotten how to live life together, this book reminds us of our forgotten key: hospitality that opens doors to the gospel.
• “Find Your People: Building Deep Community in a Lonely World” by Jennie Allen: Learn how to overcome barriers to making new friends, go from awkward to authentic conversations, get through conflict to build relationships instead of destroying them, and more practical advice.

Podcasts:

• “Risen Motherhood” by Emily Jensen & Laura Wifler: an encouraging podcast for mothers tackling all kinds of real-life issues every week.
• “Gather the Gals” by Lyncon Martinez: a podcast for every woman and mom in every life season embracing raw and real community

Websites:

• D-Group International: Find a group of men and women for discipleship and Bible study that meets in homes, online, and in churches all over the world.
• Velvet Ashes: An online community of missionary women from all over the world who are raising children in different cultures.

Photo: Asbe/Getty Images